Lover of the Light Read online

  She bites her lip and doesn't have to say anything for me to tell she agrees.

  And by the time I'm finished explaining everything, she encourages me to let Brightside know that she can come to her with anything.

  She hugs me one more time and holds my head in her hands.

  I know she's on my side. I don't know how long she'll be mad at me, but she doesn't hate me.

  My shoulders feel a little lighter when she kisses my hair and makes a comment about me needing a cut, and I know everything is going to be okay.

  "I know it doesn't feel this way." Tired but compassionate eyes are looking back at me, willing me to listen. "It will work out, Blake. I know you're scared, but this isn't the end of the world. It feels that way, but it's not. Audrey isn't alone, and neither are you. The baby will be okay, too. You'll see. Give it time and keep your head up."

  Looking back at my mom, I know I'm not alone.

  I am seventeen, and I'm still so scared that I forget to breathe sometimes. I made the mistake of a lifetime with a girl who turned my whole world upside down with a simple, effortless smile. Everyone loves her, even my mom. I'm not alone, and neither is my brightside.

  I have to give it time. I have to be there for her.

  I will.

  Chapter 22

  June 20th, 2012

  10:00 p.m.

  "This sucks."

  "It's not that bad," I argue, intent on disagreeing with her. "I'm talking to you."

  "You didn't even have a party."

  "I got ungrounded. That was nice."

  "You deserve the world for your birthday." That's a lie if I've ever heard one. "What did you even do?"

  Audrey wanted to come over to my house for my birthday, but she's still in trouble for running off to Chicago last month. That, and I’m not entirely sure her father would condone her visiting with the person who put her in this mess.

  That hasn't stopped me from seeing her.

  I steal her. Well, borrow, is a better word. Early in the mornings when John is off at work and Melissa is fast asleep, I call Audrey and tell her to meet me in the alley. I usually buy her a Yoo-Hoo and drive my route as she tries to throw my papers for me. Nine times out of ten, she throws too far, hits a garbage can, or it lands in a bird bath.

  I still have my job, so… that's something.

  I always make sure to get her back before her parents notice she's gone, but we are pushing our luck. Perhaps this is my paranoia, but I have a feeling that Melissa knows I take her daughter with me. Last week, I caught her mean-mugging me in the grocery store. I thought she was serious, until Audrey appeared by her side, and Melissa started laughing.

  "Uh… Mom got me an ice cream cake. Chase beat me in Mortal Kombat. It was fun."

  "You won't watch TV, but you'll play Mortal Kombat?"

  "I love Mortal Kombat." That's an understatement if I've ever said one.

  I'm stretched along my bed with a package of Starbursts spread out on my stomach. I stack the yellows and the oranges together, a tower of candy that I'll probably never eat before Audrey gets to it.

  "Are you on the internet?"

  I stop stacking. "What?" I laugh, which causes the candy castle to collapse. "Yeah. I know how to use the internet, Audrey. Who doesn't?"

  "Oh. Well, I know you're not on Facebook."

  Right. Facebook. A network. For socializing.

  "My mom never bought a computer. Like, ever. I never really felt the need to ask her for one either. Chase is on Facebook, though."

  "I know. We're friends. That's why I was asking."

  "Oh." I feel stupid.

  It's at this moment that I realize, not only am I stupid, but extremely anti-social. It's no wonder that I am a walking panic attack.

  "He keeps posting cat pictures on my wall. Your brother is weird."

  I laugh. "Cat pictures?"

  "Yeah, they're like photoshopped or something. One was a cat dribbling a basketball. What is he trying to do?"

  "It's probably Hailee," I tell her. "She likes cats. Chase is allergic. Which is why we've never had a cat. Or any other animal, for that matter."

  "I had a kitten once. When I turned thirteen, Dad gave him to me as a birthday gift. I named him Mr. Meowgi, because that's an awesome name for an awesome cat. He stayed in my room, but I left my window open one day when I went downstairs to get a drink. He jumped out, ran in front of a car, and died.”

  I wait for the story to get better.

  “It haunts me to this day.”

  I don’t think it’s going to get better.

  I purse my lips. "That's so sad, Audrey."

  Please never tell me anything so depressing ever again.

  "We had a funeral in my backyard." I hear her sigh softly. "It was so sad, dude. I cried for like a year after that. Ben offered to buy me another kitten, but … seriously? I screwed up bad enough the first time."

  "You were thirteen," I remind her. "It's not like you intentionally left the window open, either."

  "Yeah, but… he was alive, you know? He had a little heart. And it just stopped beating, because I'm an idiot."

  She is killing me.

  I shake my head vehemently, clutching the phone tighter in my right hand.

  "Audrey, are you really blaming yourself for an accident that happened almost four years ago? You were a kid. You're older now, you're wiser and more aware. You wouldn't let that happen again. You made a mistake and you learned from it. That's life. Everyone fucks up, but we move on, and we make more mistakes, and we learn from them." I clear my throat, pressing the phone closer to my cheek. "And how were you supposed to know he'd jump out the window? Mr. Meowgi is in kitty-heaven right now, he's in a better place, baby."

  She's quiet for a moment. "Listen to you. You sound like… an adult."

  I shake my head. "No. I'm building a Starburst castle right now. I'm pretty far from adulthood, but I'm getting there."

  She laughs again. It's like music. "How can I sulk when I'm on the phone with you?"

  "Just don't."

  "I can't. Your voice is like butter."

  I laugh. Embarrassingly loud. "What the hell does that mean?"

  "It's smooth and gets all melty and low. I get excited when I hear it. Your voice, not butter. But butter makes a nice sound too. And I get excited when I see butter too, so."

  She makes no sense to me.

  "Oh, and I can't sulk when I eat butter. That's what I meant."

  "Oh." I laugh again. "Uh. Okay. Thanks."

  "Blake?"

  I stack an orange on top of a yellow and sigh. "Yes, Brightside?"

  "I love you. Happy Birthday."

  Despite everything, I smile again.

  "I love you, too," I say without hesitation, because that is the only thing I really know for sure anymore.

  Chapter 23

  July 4th, 2012

  8:15 p.m.

  Bright reds, yellow-whites, and mixed shades of blues screech as they jet through the air, an explosion of colorful lights becoming a waterfall in the dark blue sky. Beside me, Chase laughs and hugs his girl close to his side, and I stare at mine.

  Twenty feet away, Brightside sits on a checkered picnic blanket, wedged between her mom and her brother; a bag of organic Teddy Grahams tucked between her legs. The wires connecting her earbuds are wrapped around her hand as she hums along to a song on her iPod, gazing back at me out of the corner of her eye.

  It's the movement of her coral-colored lips that makes me smile without even trying. Turning her head to me slightly, she mouths, “love you” before blushing and averting her eyes back to the fireworks show. It makes my heart hurt. I just want to run over there and steal her.

  Yesterday she had an early doctor's appointment. I offered to come with her as soon as I finished my route, but she kept telling me that she'd be fine with her mother there.

  I wanted to be there.

  I want to be there for everything, even if I just stand there like an idiot and hold Au
drey's hand the whole time.

  "You should ask if she can come sit with us. I'm sure her mom won't mind. She seems cool." Hailee brings her knees up to her chest as she leans back against Chase. "She's been grounded for a long time."

  Forever.

  But that hasn't stopped me from seeing her.

  Nothing can stop me from seeing her.

  This is my best friend, and she always knows. She just does. She's carrying our consequence, our life. I know how she feels; we're one and the same.

  I break the rules because she needs someone who knows.

  Someone to make her smile.

  Love her.

  Maybe our parents know that.

  Melissa meets my eyes and notices me staring at her daughter. I quickly turn back to Hailee, feigning nonchalance. "She's with her family. That's rude."

  Involuntarily, my eyes find Audrey’s again. I don't mean to look, I just do. My eyes always find her when she’s near.

  Audrey is still as magnetic as ever to me. She’s still the girl who makes me want to be better, and I don’t ever see that changing. Her light always draws me in, she’s convivial, and mood-mollifying. Even with this dark cloud overhead, which seems to expand with time, she smiles like this and it makes all the anxiety disappear.

  "She's our family, too," Chase utters beside me. "We like her."

  Using the sleeve of my tee, I wipe at the beads of sweat pooling on my forehead. I blink, trying to resist the urge to chortle at his comment. "You don't even know her."

  "Neither did you," says Goldie Locks.

  How can I argue with that?

  Hailee’s grin widens, her eyes sparkling with sudden excitement. I open my mouth to ask her what the hell she's smiling about, but am stopped as the hairs on the back of my neck raise, and my shoulders stiffen.

  This happens sometimes.

  When there's a shift in the atmosphere, I can feel it. It’s something that began a few months ago, and I'm getting better and better at detecting what it is.

  A wavy, red-brown waterfall blocks my view of Hailee. Soft arms wrap around my shoulders and hold tightly as warm lips press against the underside of my jaw, so quick that anyone watching would think this was just a hug. My heart double-beats, and the corners of my lips curve upward inevitably.

  "Is this seat taken?" I hear it; that soft, beautiful voice, and so much nostalgia.

  I look back into inviting, chocolate eyes, and quickly grab onto her arm to pull her down onto my lap as gently as possible. She yelps, but no one can hear her over the screech of the fireworks.

  I can hear my brother laughing as I tug the earbud from her left ear, smiling at the girl who changed everything in my simple, boring little life.

  "You can't just sneak up on me like that. I could've thought you were mugging me,” I play, placing my hands on her hips to move her off my lap. For a moment longer than usual, I keep my hands there, feeling how much wider they are since the last time.

  The other life.

  "You just throw anybody in your lap who scares you?" she asks with an amused smirk, slipping the iPod into the back pocket of her denim shorts.

  Smirking back at her, I lift her hand to my lips. It smells like grass and fake Teddy Grahams.

  "Just you."

  "Can you make Chase kiss my hand?" Hailee asks, pouting. I drop our connected hands back in the grass, unwilling to let go. Chase chortles as Audrey rests her head on my shoulder.

  "I'm not kissing your hand, that's gross.” Chase shoves his girlfriend away. “I just saw you pick a booger."

  Hailee opens and closes her mouth several times, eyes widening in disbelief. "I was scratching my nose!" She flicks her wrist out to slap playfully his bicep.

  I turn to Audrey, who stares up at the sky as another firework shoots off into the air. Glassy brown eyes sparkle with reflecting, red lights.

  "Can you stay here until the end of the show?" I ask, always eager and lacking patience. I want to know how much time I'll have with her. I want to make it count.

  She smiles softly. "Actually, I was hoping I could stay with you until curfew."

  “Huh?” I twist my torso around to look at Melissa Sawyer. She's still sitting where she was before, by her son, who is now cracking up laughing. She isn't laughing, though. She's staring right back at me.

  Two fingers pointing at her eyes, she slowly twists her hand to jab an index finger in my direction. It says, “I'm watching you.”

  I wave back.

  She smiles, turning to the show to try and hide her smirk.

  She gets it.

  "I have to show you something," Audrey announces at my side. "It's a little hard to see, but,"―she sits up on her knees, digging into the pockets of her shorts until she retrieves a folded piece of paper―"I got this yesterday. Do you want to see?"

  I know what it is before she opens it. “Um, yeah,” I reply, voice wavering.

  Unfolding the paper, Hailee leans forward to try and see as Audrey curls up to my side again. She looks up to me and smiles before handing it to me. "It’s a person now, Blake. Although, you can’t see the arms or feet well. Kind of looks like a ginger bread man.”

  “He looks just like you, Blake,” Hailee comments. I roll my eyes.

  I can't really see anything. It looks like television static to me, but I can see it, the other life. It's there, on a piece of paper, beneath Brightside's name.

  "Can you feel it?" I ask stupidly. "The baby, does it move?"

  I have a lot of questions, but this is the stupid one that sticks out most to me. The other life is real, and it's stuck in Audrey's stomach.

  "Not really." She shakes her head. "I mean, I do. But it's not really scary the way I thought it would be. It feels like butterflies or something."

  "Are you going to find out the gender?" Hailee asks. "I mean, I know you don't really..." She trails off, but I think we both understand what she’s trying to say. She wants to know if we’ll find out if we are giving the baby up for adoption.

  I look back at Audrey, wondering the same thing.

  Does she want to know?

  We haven't talked about the baby as much as we have about where we want it to go. From what we've seen, most couples looking to adopt aren't looking for a particular “type” of baby. I don't think they list off preferences, I think they just want one.

  "Um..." Audrey takes a shaky breath and I hold her hand a little tighter. "Yeah, I mean… I'm going to find out anyway, right?"

  "Can I see?" Hailee points to the picture.

  Audrey nods, passing it to her.

  "Looks like channel three," says Chase, the great mind I think alike.

  Audrey turns to me. "Do you want to know?"

  "If it's a boy or girl? I…" I nod, convinced that I really do want to know. It's not like we need another surprise. "Yeah. Why not?"

  She touches the place where life grows, smiling slightly. "Yeah. It wouldn't hurt to know."

  "How does this adoption thing work?" Hailee asks as she moves away from Chase and scoots closer to Audrey. "Does the doctor find a family or something?"

  "No." Audrey and I talk over each other.

  Her lips part as her brown eyes drift off. "Dr. Holden is helpful, but she doesn't have anything to do with adoption connection. She knows what we want to do, but she's more supportive than anything. We're supposed to pick out a family… basically we look through these profiles of people looking to adopt, and decide on a couple that we might be interested in."

  This isn't news to me, but Hailee is surprised. "It’s online? Don't you want to meet them?"

  "Oh God, of course!" Audrey explains. "We're supposed to build a relationship with the people we pick. We're going to learn about them. You know, make sure they're not nut jobs."

  "Isn't that the agency's job?" Chase asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

  I nod in his direction, still looking at my girl. "Yeah, but that doesn't really say much about who these people are. They mostly check their backgrounds for c
riminal records, work history… credit reports."

  Hailee snorts a laugh. "It's like buying a house."

  Only they don't reimburse you for giving up your kid, and it's not a home we're giving away, it's a fucking life.

  Audrey touches it again, looking contemplative as she purses her lips. "It's important to be thorough, but… I'm still a little hesitant about the whole concept of giving my baby to a stranger. We'll have, maybe, five months to learn everything we can about them if we even find a couple by the end of this month. I'm glad the adoption agency does background checks and things like that, but what does that say about these people in general?"

  My anxiety goes from a four to a ten.

  Just.

  Like.

  That.

  "Oh man." Chase shakes his head. "I don't know how you're doing this."

  I don't know either.

  I think Audrey changes her mind ten times a day.

  I think she thinks this is crazy one second, and next it's the smart thing to do. At the end of the day, she still wants to give the other life a happy life. One we wouldn't be able to provide.

  "Yeah." She sighs through puffed cheeks. "Me either."

  Exactly what I mean.

  I shake my head vehemently. "I'm coming to the next appointment. Schedule it later if you don't want me to miss work. I'm coming."

  Audrey rolls her eyes. "Blake, I don't need you to be there. You do enough just by talking to me."

  Is she crazy?

  "Audrey, shut up."

  She smiles, bringing my hand to her mouth to mimic my earlier kiss. "Yes, sir."

  "Come on." Hailee stands up, tugging on Chase's forearm. "I want to get closer."

  "Closer? We already moved ten times." He's right, we have. Mostly it was me doing the complaining about our location. I wanted to get closer to Audrey, so I could be a creep and watch her some more.

  We watch them as they walk away, Audrey with her head resting on my shoulder and me holding her hand. For a few moments, we sit in silence, breathing in the firework and dew scented air.

  "Blake." Her voice is small, hesitant.

  "Yeah?"

  "I do feel it… The baby. It moves a lot now."