Lover of the Light Read online

  Lighter than the first time, my feet carry me to her. We meet halfway between the line at the help desk and the space where the two people who are helping us stand. I ignore her apologetic eyes and the way she opens her mouth to tell me she's sorry.

  I tell her to shut up and hug her before she gets the chance to say anything.

  I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze her against me as if it's been years since the last time I saw her. I bury my face in her hair and breathe in her strange organic vanilla and lavender scented hair. Audrey wraps her hands around my neck and hugs me back with just as much purpose, like it's been forever and not just a few days.

  "I am so sorry." She cries into my neck. "I'm so so sorry, I'll never do anything like that again. I'm so scared. I don't want to lose you, I don't want to leave you. I love you."

  Time crawls.

  I can't help but smile, even though we're so fucked, and she's crying and babbling and she's not making any sense.

  Nothing can explain the immense relief I feel in this moment. Just to see her face, know that she's okay, and she loves me.

  "I should've asked you how you felt." She continues to cry. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I shouldn't have run off―"

  I squeeze my arms tighter around her warm body. "We'll figure it out, Audrey. I'm not mad. We'll figure it out together."

  She nods against my shoulder. As if it were even possible to get any closer, she holds me to her harder than I knew she was capable of and breathes out a sigh of relief.

  "Together."

  Chapter 19

  May 14th, 2012

  7:45 a.m.

  Chicago is windy. Nice… ish. It doesn't smell like freshly-turned soil and boredom. It smells even worse. The wind smells like garbage trucks and deadly fumes, but it doesn't fail to fascinate me.

  My fingers are laced with Audrey's as we traverse the streets. I don't feel like my thoughts are affecting me as Hannah shows us to her home on a street named West Wisconsin. We walk past brick apartments next to smaller houses with small spaces in between and even smaller yards behind them.

  I feel like a kid at Disney, taking in this strange city with wide eyes and wondering if I'm going to get lost if I let go of Audrey's hand.

  I know this is normal. I've been to Houston once or twice. My dad took us when we were little. Chase always complained the whole car ride, so we never really got the chance to get out and walk around.

  I've never felt so small town.

  Audrey, appearing as if she hasn't slept since last August, points down the street to a red brick building with arch-shaped windows and white shutters. "I used to live there. Benjamin threw a baseball through the second story window."

  Turning my head to examine the house further, she stops me by catching my face in her hands. "Blake, is that a bruise on your cheek?"

  Dammit.

  "What?" I play dumb, still not ready to tell her that her brother, sort of, kicked my ass.

  Brightside cares too much. She suffers from a chronic case of guilty conscience. She still won't forgive herself for running to Chicago, and she'll probably have a coronary if she finds out Benjamin punched me.

  She does.

  Audrey stops walking and catches me by my forearm. Her eyes brim with tears as her chin wrinkles up. "Benjamin did that? Did he hit you, Blake?"

  Shaking my head, I try to come up with a distraction as she falls apart in front of my eyes again.

  Times like these, I think of my brother and the ridiculous things he says when his girlfriend's upset.

  What would Chase do?

  Once, all he had to say was, "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a,start."

  The Konami Code will not cheer Audrey up, Tucker.

  So I say, "How many of my hoodies do you have?"

  Sniffling, she uses the sleeve of my hoodie to wipe under her eyes. She's a mess; sleepless eyes, red cheeks and a pout on her lips. "What?"

  "My hoodies, Audrey. How many do you have?"

  Smiling just enough to show me she has some light in there, Audrey shakes her head. "It's just the one. I put them back when they stop smelling like you."

  She steals my hoodies because they smell like me.

  "You're serious?" I'm teasing her. I could care less if she takes my whole wardrobe. I just need her to stop worrying about me. "Do you take my sweats, too?"

  Smiling a little wider, she isn't suffering from the same guilty conscience she was before. "I'm not a thief, I'm a borrower."

  I think about the time she told me I smell like sunshine, right before she asked to lick my neck.

  I nod carefully, pretending to consider her answer. "That's fine. As long as I'm the only guy you're stealing hoodies from."

  Fighting a smile that threatens to grow a little wider, she wipes at her eyes and huffs. "Of course you are." She shakes her head. "Stop distracting me."

  "You're tired. We should talk about this later."

  She studies me for a moment longer, bringing her hands to my jaw to inspect my face further. She looks up at me, frowning. "Are you sure you're okay? Does it hurt?"

  I shake my head. "No. I'm fine."

  Disbelieving, she drops her hands to her sides and looks down the street to Benjamin. "No, you're not. I―"

  I don't let her finish her sentence. I take her cheek in my hands to turn her face back toward me. Instead of trying to tell her again, I show her I'm okay by wrapping my hands around the back of her neck to kiss her.

  I don't mean to take her by surprise, but I have a strange way of doing things in a way that people least expect it.

  I am typical-teenage-awkward.

  But maybe I'm not, because Audrey only hesitates for a few seconds before she responds.

  Awkward and extremely hot at the same time, we pull away noisily and Audrey has to catch her breath.

  I almost want to give myself a high five.

  Almost.

  "See?" I say, dropping my hands to my side like it's nothing. "I'm fine."

  Wide awake now, she nods carefully. "Yeah… Okay."

  9:00 a.m.

  Hannah in one word: Happy.

  It's almost annoying at first, but I should've guessed Brightside's best friend would've been a rainbow. She's charismatic and comical, just the thing we needed to dispel the sulky tension we took with us when we left the train station earlier. She’s blonde, petite, and entirely too energetic.

  I really didn't think people could get any happier than Audrey, and maybe, up until a few minutes ago, I thought Hannah could be that person. That all changes when she introduces me to her mom.

  Hannah’s mom, Emily, is five foot nine, slightly rounded and plump, with a heart-shaped face. Her hair is a rich shade of red, the color of apples. She doesn't look a thing like her daughter, but that's because she didn't technically give birth to Hannah; she and her husband found their daughter through an adoption agency seventeen years ago.

  "You guys can sleep in my office," she tells Benjamin and me as she leads us down one of the longest hallways I've ever seen in someone's house. "We keep an air mattress in there for Audrey, although she usually ends up in Hannah's bed every time she stays over anyway, so it should be good as new."

  "It is," Audrey confirms.

  "And you're definitely sleeping with Hannah tonight." She gives Audrey a pointed look before she averts her gaze to Benjamin. "And you're to stay with Blake. Are we clear?"

  Benjamin looks to Emily with an impish smile. "I would never disrespect your wishes, Mrs. Braden, but I would like to ask your permission to take Hannah out tonight."

  Shifting where I stand, I start to feel guilty. Audrey and Benjamin have always been respectful toward adults, and here I am lying about my current location. Audrey didn't even want to come inside my house the night I met her because she thought my mother wouldn't approve.

  "Given that you are only here for the night.” She sighs, looking to Audrey. “I suppose. Drive safely, and wear your seatbelts.”


  I try to remember the last time my mom told me or one of my friends to wear a seatbelt. I don't know if it's that she never told me, or if I never listened.

  4:44 p.m.

  "Can I lay in here with you?"

  I look up from my phone and furrow my brows at the girl who can't seem to sleep. She's leaning against the doorframe, her damp hair cascading over one shoulder. A strange fragrance drifts my way, a pungent strawberry scent, unlike her usual vanilla and lavender.

  Nodding, I scoot over to make room for her. She slides down on the air mattress and curls up next me, bringing my arm around the back of her neck as a makeshift pillow.

  I almost feel good enough to sleep.

  The house is quiet, empty. Emily left for work a few hours ago, and Hannah and Benjamin left for their date. They offered to bring us with them, but I really didn't think Audrey could handle it.

  And now we're disrespecting Emily's rules, but I'm not sure that she knows about the third life yet.

  "When's the last time you slept?" I ask, reaching over her to rub my fingers through her damp hair.

  She sighs against my chest. "I don't know … I didn't sleep much on the train."

  "And you didn't sleep Friday night either," I murmur. "Audrey, you have to try and get some sleep before we leave."

  She nods. "I'm trying. I promise."

  I know Brightside is thinking about the other life. I know she is; we're one and the same. I can feel it. I can feel how tired she is, but she's fighting it. It's in the stiffness in her shoulders and the sharpness in her breath. I can sense her concentration, her sadness, and her drifting thoughts.

  It is possible to feel what others feel when you care enough about them. Even when they're halfway across the country.

  "We don't have to talk about it now," I tell her, running my hands through her hair in an attempt to lull her to sleep. "You should sleep, Audrey."

  She nods slowly. Her voice is a small whisper. "Okay."

  For a few moments, we just lay there breathing, until I lift my head up far enough and realize she’s fallen asleep. Giving the air a small fist pump, I feel victorious for this short moment of peaceful silence.

  Then the phone vibrates in my hand.

  Turning it over in my hands while trying not to stir my sleeping girlfriend, I frown at the screen.

  Of course, I've been waiting for this. I know she's probably figured it out by now that I'm not in Harrison. I didn't go to school today. By now she should've realized I haven't been home yet. It's Monday. She probably got home from a twelve-hour shift last night and didn't realize I was gone until now.

  Skillfully maneuvering out from under Audrey's sleep-weighted limbs, I hold the phone away from her and wait until I'm in the hallway to pick it up. "Hello?"

  "You're in big trouble, young man."

  I really shouldn't be surprised my mother found out about Chicago. Small town, word spreads fast. Someone sees you crossing the county line and people start to talk. Someone heard from Lainey that Audrey ran away. Someone told their mother and her best friend's sister saw us leaving Harrison or something like that.

  My mom is hysterical.

  After listening to her cry on the phone for fifteen minutes, I realize how unfair I've been to her.

  I tell Mom I'm sorry for lying to her and promise to call her every hour. I repeatedly tell her I'm safe as she starts coming up with these unlikely scenarios like Emily Braden is a serial killer.

  She's crazy, but it's how she shows she cares.

  After a lengthy conversation about having a long discussion, I give my mom Hannah's mom's phone number and promise to call her again later tonight.

  It's not enough. She's so angry, and I get it. She has every right to be angry with me.

  I say fifteen goodbyes before I finally hang up the phone. The first ten are ignored because she keeps remembering something else she has to say to me. The last five are back-to-back because she doesn't want to say goodbye.

  "Don't lie to me again, Blake. I trusted you."

  She really did.

  "I won't. I promise."

  She has no idea …

  I end the call and slide the phone in my pocket, turning back to the room as a bright picture hanging on the wall catches my eye. It's a photo of Hannah's parents, holding a small, happy baby in their arms.

  I still can't believe it...

  They adopted her.

  It's a strange concept to me. I guess it doesn't really make sense in my mind. Logically, I'm aware that this is an option for us, but I don't understand it.

  Emily and Peter Braden willingly took this girl into their home and loved her as if she were their own. They welcomed her. They wanted her. They adored her, and they still do. They never treated her like she was a mistake—why would they?

  I always sort of assumed kids were more of a burden than a blessing. Chase and I weren't a mistake, but we definitely weren't planned. I couldn't see anyone from Harrison trying to adopt a baby. Why would they? Half of my town consists of high school dropouts—girls who got pregnant, kids that started doing drugs, or some that just gave up on life.

  I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid. If Brightside wants this baby, I'm not going to just give up on school. I know how it goes, I'm surrounded by living consequences of bad decisions. My town is proof of what giving up does to you, and Audrey gives me a reason to try harder. Be better. Add a life that we made to that equation, and it only makes me want to work even harder.

  My life isn't restricted to my hometown; Audrey sort of showed me that. There are possibilities. Now, I can't actually say that I can't go to college because I'm dumb and poor. I can't lie, and tell her that I want to be a trucker when I grow up, because of course I never wanted to be that.

  Maybe I want to do things.

  See things.

  Go places.

  Be something more… with her.

  "I can tell you're thinking really hard right now." I snap my head to my left and jump when I find Audrey standing there beside me. She looks between the picture and me, smiling slightly. "It's crazy, right?"

  I can't respond fast enough. "W-What?"

  She shrugs. "Hannah's family. They seem so normal, don't they? Happy-Go-Lucky." She bites her lip contemplatively. "They really aren't, but then again I don't think any family is normal. But at least they're happy …"

  "Yeah." I look back to the picture.

  There really is no such thing as normal. Normal doesn't really matter to me. But happy counts for something.

  Looking back down to her, I open my mouth but it's harder to make the words fall out as I picture them in my head. "Is that…"

  She nods slowly, as though she can read my mind. "I've been thinking about it..." She looks at me with murky eyes. "We're so young, Blake."

  There's this lull between us when I don't really think there's much I can say to make things any different. She's been thinking about it, and there really isn't anything I can say.

  This is what I feared most about this discussion. I want to tell Audrey that we're not alone, people would be there to help us. The scary part is telling her this without making it seem like I'm pressuring her to keep the life inside her.

  But I also know that I'm young, and maybe my reluctance and my immaturity go hand-in-hand. My trepidation, my anxiety, and my evasive attitude only serve to complicate things further between us. My apathy the other night stems from a childish fear of losing her, of thinking that this could be the end. It only goes to show how insensitive I can seem when I'm not being honest.

  I force the words out of my mouth. "I know we're young, but we're not alone."

  It's simple, but it means everything.

  Taking a shuddering breath, she nods slowly. "I know that, but…" Pressing her lips together, she looks up at me with glassy eyes. "I kept thinking on the train, and I realized how stupid and impulsive I am… I have so much growing up to do… So much... And I think maybe we should grow up before we try to teach som
eone else how to…"

  Swallowing back the acidic feeling in my throat, ignoring the tightness in my chest, I can't bring myself to disagree with her.

  She's right.

  Of course, she's right.

  We're not alone, but that doesn't mean we have to be parents. We're only beginning to understand life. I have a self-revelation every ten minutes of my life. I have a lot of growing up to do.

  Knowing this doesn't make it feel any better, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I did the night she told me she was pregnant. This is different. We aren't doing this out of selfishness. We're trying to make an informed decision, and I can't deny how right she is.

  I don't risk silence. I need words to make things work.

  "It's okay." I close the distance between us and bring my hand up to her face to wipe her wet cheeks. "You're not stupid. Audrey, we don't need to know right this second. But if you're seriously considering adoption, can I say one thing?"

  Giving me her full attention, she nods vehemently. "You can say anything, Blake… I can handle it."

  "I think it would be wise if, um... If we did that. Maybe we could find a family that's not too close to home, but not so far that we can't be there. You know, because stuff happens and..." I grow silent, not knowing where to go from here. There's still so much to say, but I think about giving the other life to strangers and I think I'd rather know it's safe. That's what seems to matter most to me.

  Audrey nods and rests her head against my chest. "That's a really good idea." She sighs. "There are people out there just like Hannah's parents. I don't want our baby to go to just anybody…"

  I find her hand and push my fingers between hers until we're palm-to-palm. "We won't do that. We'll find happy people. Good people."

  She starts to cry silently and I wrap my arms around her. "I'm sorry," she sobs. "I can't stop crying. I need sleep."

  "Don't be sorry. You told me how you felt." I nod, rubbing my hand over her back. "We should look into this, find out more."

  "And you? How do you feel?"

  Looking down at her, I know how I feel. She's new beginnings to me, no matter what. I love her, I want to watch her be a mom someday. She's pure-hearted; honest and caring. She'd be a great mom. Maybe with her, I'd be an okay dad.